THE VELOCIPASTOR

Thou shalt have fun

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. Although he is horrified by the new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime.

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. Although he is horrified by the new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime.

Director: Brendan Steere

Screenplay: Brendan Steere

Cinematography: Jesse Gouldsbury

Producers: Brendan Steere, Brandon Taylor, Jesse Gouldsbury

1 Hour 15 Minutes


Review by Jeremiah

Nothing here should work. Nothing. Which makes the fact that is mostly does, even more mind bending than it otherwise would be. The Velocipastor is so low budget, and so aware of this fact, that it uses place holder text for what should be impressive (or given the budget here, unimpressive) visual fx sequences. A car explodes, and there's no fire. No lighting. Hell, no car. Just a reminder that all those things should be there (via placeholder text), and that you're an idiot for actually expecting them to be.

This is about as good as it gets, from a special effects perspective.

This is about as good as it gets, from a special effects perspective.

Very little in the film is played straight (thank god), but the few things that are, work simultaneously as a narrative counterbalance and tonal juxtaposition. Mainly, the relationship between the titular pastor Doug and his rescued hooker companion Carol. There's great chemistry between the two, which adds fuel to a budding romance and social justice proposition, so when they hook up for some fiery over-the-clothes dry humping, or take on a Chinese ninja clan (LOL) in the film's climax, you can't help but cheer them on.

"Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace."

"Only through the elimination of violence can we achieve world peace."

Everything else is basically a gag on a gag always delivered rambunctiously, mostly landing, and usually referencing some other movie that Director Brendan Steere is likely a fan of — my favorite being the shameless wink-and-nod to 1987's sweatiest silliest Kung Fu film, Miami Connection. And just like that hilarious bit of B grade cinema, Velocipastor is concerned with having a good time first, making sense second. It's a priority that makes this an absolutely easy recommendation to anyone who's movie-watching priorities align the same.

Watch it for yourself, below:

Blu-ray notes - (Wild Eye Releasing)

Special features include:

  • COMMENTARY TRACK

  • GAG REEL

  • TEXAS FRIGHTMARE CAST AND CREW Q&A

  • NYC Q&A

  • CLOSED CAPTION

  • TRAILERA

Video quality is solid, rendering the low budget video about as good as one would expect; details are sharp during day scenes, with colors coming across somewhat subdued (rare exceptions in certain sequences). No macroblocking to speak of. There is also no odd judder or stutter issues as a result of the transition to physical media.

Audio is flat and uneven. Stereo separation is weak. While sometimes distorting at the loudest points in the presentation, dialogue remains clear enough when it counts. Likely a fault of the recording process than it is any mastering to the Blu-ray format. Again, this is a low budget affair.

Highlights of the disc are the special features, especially the insightful Q&A sessions with cast and crew. The genesis of the film in particular, was funny to discover while watching them.

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